Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
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Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.