Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
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Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? Thatโs a real thing.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
They just called for โJenniferโ three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Her: Whatโs with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Iโve only been awake for an hour, but Iโve already been fooled 38 times.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
โ ๐ง๐ต๐ถ๐ ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ถ๐ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ ๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ฎ
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldnโt have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
And Iโm not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyoneโs beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, Iโm not wasting time with photos. Iโd just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Wife: iโm concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR