Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
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If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I think they could have phrased this better
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time