Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
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I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
just got my engagement photos
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
bro what is going on at twitter
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying