Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
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Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.