“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
You Might Also Like
I am a gravy boat captain
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Dead sexy!!
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first