@imteddybless: message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
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@realbjdunne: [restaurant] waiter: can i bring you a drink menu? me: *looking angrily at my wife Menu* how does this guy know you
@ShootyDoody: Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.