Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
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Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”