Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
You Might Also Like
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again