Smallpox sounds so adorable
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Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]