Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
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Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp