Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
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[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*