Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
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inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Yeah. This was me today.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
The symmetry is uncanny.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?