Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
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The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Growing up was a huge mistake
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Seems legit
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks