Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
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If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
that lip filler tho
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
A ghost story
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day