@weinerdog4life: Met someone on Craigslist, guess I'm dating a grill now.
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@my_minivan_life: 8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher? Me: Yes. 8yo: Where? Me:... 8yo: WHERE! 6yo: (from outside) It's spreading. Me: I'm up.
@CooIStepDad: [Riot] "WHAT DO WE WANT" *far in the back* PIZZA ROLLS "No Jim we want freedom" "WHAT DO WE WANT" PIZZA ROLLS "JIM" But I'm hungry :(
@philco816: *hands stranger a condom S: I don't need this Me: Yes, you do. I saw the way you pulled out of your driveway. Your pull out game is weak
@WilliamAder: Turned off my lights for "earth hour". I've never had so many other cars honking at me.