Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
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If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Hey I worked for it too!
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?