@weinerdog4life: Met someone on Craigslist, guess I'm dating a grill now.
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@AbrasiveGhost: ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where's the nuke button ADVISOR: why ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
@jake_likes_naps: The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
@hero_ofthenight: I feel like every time I go to Walmart I automatically witness the contradiction to their slogan being: 'save money, live better'
@KhrisWarhol: McDonalds can't extend their breakfast hours because at 10:01am, the eggs become self aware.