Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
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Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Just a bush.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.