If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
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I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
War & Peace
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold