Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
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According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.