met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
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‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
me when I see my crush
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*