me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
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Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Oh. My. God.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
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Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
umm…
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
We have a winner.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.