Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
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I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.