Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
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God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me