OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
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The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
👾👾👾
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.