Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
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Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.