Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
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her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
incredible
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Breaking news:
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
oh my gosh!!
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.