Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
You Might Also Like
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do