@dxblarssonENG: Meth addicts gets all their drug money from the tooth fairy.
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@mexinonblonde: You're a big fat liar! And I don't believe anything you say! See if I get naked for you again!! -Me to my scale as I step off of it
@daemonic3: [at zoo] Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
@MrYeager2: Wife: hey take me out tonight. Me: can it wait till tomorrow? Wife: why? Me: because tonight's not garbage night, tomorrow is
@Tmoney68: June 1885 - The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions. Future IKEA magnate: "That gives me an idea."