A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
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I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
*seductively peels off lederhosen
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*