What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
You Might Also Like
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I think they could have phrased this better
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.