Meth is short for Elizameth.
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Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
DOOO EEEET
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.