Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
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No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
im 7 sauces long
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
stop
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY