Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
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i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends