Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
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I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos