Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
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God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Is your wife single?
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Meat Cute
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same