ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
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Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
*bites zombie*
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.