me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
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scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Straight people are cancelled
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.