me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
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I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
This sounds bad:
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!