Mice are just frozen Mwater.
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[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.