Mice are just frozen Mwater.
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employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Come back with a warrant
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Breaking news:
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.