Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
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[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500