[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
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Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.