[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
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I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats: