@kumailn: Michael Bay looks like if cocaine was a person.
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@Demented_Jokes: I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
@imence2: Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they're still alive.
@_4kidscrazy: Me: Did you have a shirt on when you said it? Wife: I was naked, just out of the shower. Me: And you expected me to remember what you said?