I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
You Might Also Like
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.