yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
You Might Also Like
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
i did the math
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.