Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
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@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.