Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
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Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
A ghost story
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
The Sun
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.