Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
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ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either