[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
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Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Things will get butter, keep churning
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.